Just not feeling it...
I'm just not into life right now. I want to just check out for a bit...go home and crawl under my covers and sleep. Sleep until these damn holidays are over. I don't want to decorate. I don't want a tree. I don't want to shop for gifts. I'm just so tired and worn out. I feel like my brain and my body has been put through a blender. I miss my Dad, and nothing is going to make it better. All I can think about is what we would have been doing right now...putting up lights, arranging travel for us all to be together, wrapping gifts last minute at 3 am on Christmas morning, listening to him read the Christmas story, checking out his meticulous wrapping job on each gift, being in a food coma from all the candy and snacks that we would inhale. Now, all of that is gone, and it will never be the same again. His death has left a huge void that I just can't deal with. I want to cancel Christmas. I want to skip right over New Year's and just get on with this shit and not deal with everyone's fucking holly jolly happiness.
But I can't. My Mom and siblings will all be here so that we don't have to endure the holidays apart. So that we can be together and mourn. I am stoked to be with them, but the thought of doing Christmas activities without my Dad just seems like the worst. I have to be strong. I have to get through it. Why oh why did I ask for so much time off work? That would at least have been a mental escape.
But there is no real mental escape. Not work, not school, not drugs.
Thank you for this, Kristen. There have been times over the years since my Father passed that people have asked me how I dealt with the loss, well the honest answer to that is that I didn't. I'm still carrying a lot of unresolved issues and scars that wont seem to go away. The truth is that pain, the loss, is something that never really leaves you, and truthfully you're not going to want to feel better about it, but over time you'll see that it does get easier, day by day, to deal with the emotions you're feeling. It's a good idea to not hide from the pain, embrace it, let it knock you down so you want to sleep for days on end, stop showering, stop talking to people, do whatever self-destructive thing you feel like doing, plumb the bottom and get it all out of your system. Pretty soon that will get old and you'll pick up the pieces and get moving again, because finding progress in something, promotions at work, good grades in school, whatever, it helps. And I know that's what your Dad would want, for you to live your life and be happy again, to not let this be the end of your world.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, truly. It's obvious that you're strong enough to keep on going.