Family - Part 2 - Siblings

Family - Part 2

Siblings

I have 2 brothers, Ryan and Tyler, and one sister-in-law, Katherine, who is married to Ryan. As children, we fought just as any other siblings would. But as teenagers and then as adults, we are close friends. I have grown to lean on my brothers for support and they lean on me as well. We are a tight knit bunch even though we are spread across the US. The time in the hospital with Dad and the stress of the funeral would have been too much if we had not been so close. I am so fortunate to have such amazing siblings. The five of us (us siblings and Mom) clutched onto on another through that horrible week. I know that we wouldn't have made it without each other. I am so grateful and thankful daily for my amazing family.

Ryan

In 1986, Ryan Sterling came into my life. Now, I was a perfectly happy 4 year old only child at the time. I had no idea how much this little brother was going to mold and change my life over the years. As children and pre-teens, we fought...its only natural. But as I became an adult, and he left his pre-teen awfulness, we began to become really close. United in our love of music, movies, games and family, we really became friends as well as family. Eventually, we even ended up as roommates before I moved to California. We would cook dinner together, play video games or watch movies or play board games, and have popcorn tastings most nights. It was a great roommate situation...one that I wish I hadn't ended by moving to California. But, it was meant to be as he married his college sweetheart, Katherine, the week after their graduation from Boise State.

Ryan has always been a huge advocate for higher knowledge and was the one who most encouraged me to pursue culinary school. He helped me research schools in the area, and even has given me several loans to help me get through school. I am lucky that he is in such a great place in his life that he can assist me and that he does it without any reservations.

When my Mom called with news of my Dad and I was panicking trying to figure out what to do, I turned to Ryan for help. He immediately said he would get me on a flight home since I was the closest and could get there first. (He and Katherine are living in West Palm Beach, FL and Tyler is living in Fort Collins, CO.) I am so thankful for his complete and unquestionable willingness to help out family in an instant. He never hesitates to jump in and help in any way. He was (and still is) so knowledgeable and good at figuring out the financial aspects and the ways to proceed with everything that no one really thinks about in conjunction with a death in the family. He and Tyler jumped right into action starting arrangements and helping to ease the burden on Mom.

I know that in the months following the funeral, he has been extremely helpful to Mom in figuring out the logistics of the household and helping her to sort through all of the papers and computer files and bills...you name it, Ryan has jumped right in and taken care of it. It is impressive to see how he and Tyler have stepped up into the sort of "man of the house" roll. I am so in awe of how much he and Tyler both have matured.

Ryan Tyler and me playing for Dad's funeral.
I don't get stage fright, but this was the most difficult
time I have ever had playing.

Tyler

Tyler 'Rotten' Andrew was born in 1988. The 2 years between him an Ryan seemed to solidify their bond against me as children...plus the fact that I was the only girl and older than them. They would gang up on me! But I think their bond was a great thing for them to have. It made them stick together in music, sports and in school. I didn't have siblings in high school with me, so I didn't get to experience that feeling of having someone to look out for me. Tyler and Ryan had two years of high school together, so they had each other to look out for no matter what. They were both so talented in music and sports, it seemed (seems) like everything came so easily to them both. Tyler can pick up any instrument and play it within minutes, mastering it in no time at all. It used to frustrate me so much that I have played the bass for 17 years, but Tyler picked one of Dad's basses up one day and was doing the slap bass technique in just a few hours! I am in awe of how quickly that kid can learn!

Tyler has also always been great at whatever sport he picks up and tries to learn. He could jump the wall at the bench in ice hockey at a full sprint on ice skates, balance himself straight out like a flag holding onto a post, climb any structure, leap tall buildings in a single bound. You name it! The leaping buildings thing is possible, I believe..he has been learning parkour, and I have seen him scale the side of a building.

I always saw Tyler as so much younger than me, even though he is 25 now. In the last couple years, it seems like I have been watching him grow into the man that he is meant to be...finishing college, going into the ministry and preaching. The first time I heard him preach, I was tearing up in the audience with pride. I knew that he was changing and growing up, but I wasn't prepared for just how much he has grown. From the moment that he arrived at the hospital to be with Dad, I saw him in a new light. He wasn't just the kid that I had nicknamed Tyler Rotten, he was aging and maturing before my eyes. Every action he took was to shield our Mom and comfort her, to be a rock for her. He rarely left her side, choosing to sleep on the floor of the ICU. I know that he wanted to be near Dad as well, but you could see that he was protecting her the best he could.

Tyler provided such wisdom and comfort to Mom and to me as well. Praying and reciting verses of comfort from the Bible. Keeping relatives at bay that were being too intrusive. I am still in awe of how he stepped so easily into a leadership role in our family...the youngest! He solemnly held us together and banded with Ryan to get the arrangements going. He and Ryan were even able to get up and talk about Dad at the funeral. There was no way that I would have been able to do that. I barely made it through the three songs that the three of us played for him. I am just constantly impressed with how amazing my brothers are, I know that I haven't even skimmed the surface with this post.

Katherine

Katherine came into our lives when she and Ryan met in their freshman year at Boise State. I remember liking her immediately. She is sweet and caring, but super sassy and sarcastic. She fits right in with our family that way. She actually met our Dad first...she was going to a show at the Venue, and my brothers' band Remote Confederation (R*C) was playing. My Dad always was the roadie and sound guy for their band, and he ran into Katherine outside while he was setting up for the show. He invited her to come in and listen to his sons play. I know that Dad was looking out for his sons...he somehow knew that she would be a hit with one of them. It turns out, Ryan and Kath lived in the same dorm...even the same floor! Well, they did hit it off, and the rest is history. 

Katherine has become such an integral part of our family, that I don't like to call her my sister-in-law. It's too cold and distant to me. She is my sister. My friend. She is always there for support and words of encouragement. I know that it is hard on her and Ryan to live so far away from the rest of our family and her family, most of which are in the Idaho area. I am thankful that she and Ryan are so close...it would make being so far from family very difficult if they weren't. I hate that there is so much distance geographically between us all, and hope that we can close it soon.

She was such a comfort during those days in the hospital with our Dad and during the following funeral week. She took charge of so many things that were overwhelming to us...like the funeral program and video tribute. She did an amazing job on both, and it eased a burden greatly. She even sent out the majority of the thank you cards...a necessary, but often tedious task. I cannot thank her enough for being there and helping so much. I leaned on her and I know that it really helped Mom as well. She has become one of their daughters, and I know that Dad's death hit her just as hard as it did the rest of us. I can't imagine our lives without her. She is a beautiful and amazing addition to our family. 

Family - Part 1 - My Mom

Family

Before my Dad passed away in October, I was always appreciative of my family...I just didn't show it all the time. I know that they all know how much I love them, and that they are the most important thing to me. But I got busy, as we all do, living and got wrapped up in my day to day life. Way too much time would pass between phone calls and visits. Being spread across the country is so difficult...especially for a family that is as close as mine. My brothers and sister are my closest friends as well as family. And my parents were my constant rock, my confidants, my measure for life. So to say that my Dad's death has been traumatic and devastating to us is an understatement. I still can't wrap my mind around it, can't deal with it. If I think to much about the reality of his passing and that I can't do anything to change it, I get panicked and have an anxiety attack followed by many tears. So I just push it away and pretend it didn't happen. I was super torn on Christmas this year...our first without Dad...due to this issue. I was so happy that my siblings and Mom were able to come and we could actually manage to have fun, but we were all so devastated by the loss that it felt wrong to have a good time. I know that my Dad would want it that way, but it doesn't change that feeling.

I know, however, that if we weren't as close as we are, we would never have made it through. We were solid and made decisions with conviction and little to no disagreement. My sister is a nurse, and has watched families go through similar situations and has seen them argue and fight...resulting in dragging out the loved one's suffering due to their own selfishness. I am more proud than ever to be a part of my family.

Mom

Someway, somehow, my Mother was (is) a rock through all of this. Her sweetheart...her husband of the majority of her life, 36 years was just ripped without any warning from her life. The night before had been just like any other night and he was getting ready for work just like any other morning. And then, in less than an hour, her life was flipped completely upside down and backwards. I can't imagine how she kept so calm and had such strength and clarity of mind to get him dressed and to the hospital so quickly. I imagine its that spectacular Mom-gene that she has. Even when we tested her to her very limits as teenagers, she still was patient and loving and firm with us. 

Through the whole time in the hospital, I rarely saw her cry...only if she was alone (or if I pushed her to let it out) did she allow herself to let it out. She was in constant vigilance at Dad's bedside, only leaving if she absolutely had to leave it. She 'slept' each of the 2 or so nights in a chair next to his bed holding his hand in hers. Though, I'm sure that she didn't really get much sleeping in worrying. And yet, she was the one comforting others...she was the one holding me while I wept. I felt so weak. I should have been holding her and being strong for her. 

She is probably the strongest woman that I know, and it took me 31 years to fully realize that fact. I know that she is struggling daily with this tragedy and that she often feels lost and alone. She and my Dad HATED empty nesting, and now she is doing it alone. I think that is part of why they were so involved with the Patriot Guard, the orchestra for Music Theatre of Idaho, and their church Nampa 1st Church. They were always out and about when I would call. I am worried constantly about her now. She and Dad did everything together. Whenever she talks about this, she mentions what they would have been doing. Like their Thursday night Taco Time dates, or their Saturday rides to the Harley dealership to get hot dogs. Their Saturday night double feature movie nights at the $1 theatre. Or their usually monthly rendezvous to the Anniversary Inn. 

Mom keeps mentioning things like how she will no longer be going to events with the Patriot Guard because she feels silly going when she doesn't ride. (An opinion that the group itself does not share.) Though she doesn't feel comfortable operating the bike herself, she was a trouper riding with my Dad everywhere. They would even take longer trips together on it...1340 miles round-trip to Humboldt to see me, 1360 miles round-trip to Cody, WY with the Patriot Guard, 600 miles round-trip to the original Anniversary Inn in Logan, UT. Not to mention the countless miles the drove almost every weekend just for fun. I know she is missing the rides, and I don't know what to do to help. 

Her friends have kept her occupied somewhat and have been getting her out of the house. And each of us kids (last I checked) were trying to be better about calling more frequently. And she is journalling and trying to get back into a routine. But I worry about her constantly, and it stresses me out that I am so far from her. Even though its only an hour and a half plane ride, its expensive to travel. I really need my mommy though...I'm really missing her. I tried to keep her when she came at Christmas, but it didn't work. She is so giving and loving and I feel like I can never show her enough appreciation for being my mom. Even in the midst of this terrible time, she still thought of the most thoughtful though heart wrenching Christmas gift for each of her kids....teddy bears made from Dad's Hawaiian shirts that we each identified as our favorites. I couldn't even get myself together enough to buy gifts for anyone this year. How amazing is my Mom? 

A Little Help from my Friends

A Little Help from my Friends

The other day, one of my Dad's best friends, Erran Q, sent me the following text message::
"Standing in the Guitar Center on Sunset Blvd. Kinda missing your Dad right now. :( "
Now, this made me cry and miss my Dad all the more too, but it also really helped. It reminded me that my family and I are not the only ones grieving and missing my Dad.

The time in the hospital and the ensuing whirlwind of funeral preparations in the midst of our grieving was overwhelming to say the least. I know that we would not have made it through as well as we did without the support of our family and friends. So many friends of my Dad's and of the rest of our family came to our assistance with their support and love. It was amazing to see the turnout at the funeral and the viewing...well over 300 people...not counting the slew of motorcycle riders of the Patriot Guard that he was so involved in with his life (see post Patriot Guard - Idaho Chapter). I never realized just how many peoples' lives he had affected. It was amazing to see the variety of people as well. From your typical church people to musicians to theater people to coworkers to big bad bikers. All gathered together to celebrate my Father.

It was comforting to see all of these people who called my Dad friend, brother, family. Many helped each of us in different ways. There were so many people during that time that provided comfort, and continue to provide comfort, but there are a specific few that I were pivotal in helping me through my own turmoil. People that I needed and were there for me.

Erran Q.

Erran Q. Sweeney is one of my Dad's best friends...and more like a brother. My Dad sought him out when I was very young to be the drummer in my Dad's band, Zamar. There would be weekly band practices that would last till late at night, frequent gigs, dinners and other outings with our families. Over the years, the two became the best of friends. And when he married his love, Tara, she became a part of our family as well. Even when Erran Q. decided to follow his dreams and go to flight school, the distance did not kill their bond. My Dad always considered Erran Q a brother. 

So, when Dad had his aneurysm and we were told that the outlook was bleak, I couldn't let go of the thinking that Erran Q. needed to be there. That we couldn't let them remove life support until he got to say goodbye. When Erran heard what was happening, he and his wife, Tara, drove all night from Arizona to Boise to be with my Dad one last time. From that point forward, they were by our sides, only leaving us for short periods of time to sleep or help with any errands that we needed. When Tara had to leave part way through, we were sad because she was so comforting and kept us going a lot, but I thank her for letting us keep Erran for the rest of the week. I leaned heavily on Erran Q during those days, and clung to his support and the memory of how close he and my Dad were. I know that it was extremely hard on him as well, but I clung to him as a lifeline. I had a very hard time when he left us to go back to Arizona. 

I don't know if he knows how much I needed him to be there for us. It felt like part of my Dad was with us.

Parry Jay

Parry Naito is one of my Dad's coworkers at MotivePower. He started out as an Engineer for the company and about 6 or 7 years ago was promoted to the Contracts and Estimating department with my Dad. Since my Dad was a veteran to the department and was the most knowledgeable and most experienced, Parry was assigned to learn the ropes of the department from him. Over the years, my Dad took Parry under his wing, not only teaching him the business, but life lessons as well. I think that Dad thought of him as a sort of younger brother. Parry and my Dad became very close over the years and went from being just coworkers to friends.

When Parry heard about Dad's death, he was on vacation with his family in California. They arrived back the night that he passed and called me really wanting to come over and be with our family for a bit. We had just gotten home from the hospital not long before, but not wanting to face the reality, we gladly had him come over. Bearing flowers and a card, Parry and his wife, Hannah, came and spent several hours with us. Several hours that painted a very beautiful picture of my Father that I wasn't fully expecting. Parry shared the amazing memories he had of my Dad and the lessons that he taught him. We were so moved by the things that he had to say that we asked if he would be willing to share that at the funeral. He agreed and I hope that others took something away from hearing it as well. Parry emailed the document he read from at the funeral for us to keep...a great tribute to my Father.

Parry has continued to send anicdotes and pictures and such to us about my Dad. It is truly beautiful to see how much he respected and loved my Dad. I know that it was a feeling the was reciprocated by Dad as well.

Marcus

Marcus LeBaron is the Childrens' Pastor at my parents' church. He and my Dad got to know eachother through this ministry because my Dad always had a soft spot in his heart for children and donated his time to the ministry by playing guitar in the worship band. For 13 years, Marcus and Dad have spent every Sunday together and have taken the 5th & 6th grade childrens' choir on a Seattle Tour every Memorial Day. Over the years, their mutual love for music and children has made them lifelong friends and brothers. 

When I arrived at the hospital after the longest hour and a half flight in my life, I found Marcus and several other friends supporting my Mom through this whole horrible ordeal. It turns out that he had been with her almost since she intially brought him to the hospital that morning. I know that Marcus was being torn up inside as well for his friend, but he stayed strong and stood by our side the entire time we were in the hospital. Staying there until all hours of the night and back again in the wee hours of the morning. I know that it was hard on him as well, especially with 5 kids and a wife at home, but he was there continuously for our support. Constantly vigilant in prayer and emotional support. I don't know how many times I cried out to him "Why is this happening?" He provided a shoulder to lean on, a shirt to cry into and humor for distraction. 

We asked him to share a lesson from the childrens' service during the funeral because we knew it was something my Dad would have wanted. I was so proud of him for making it through, though I know it was tough not to give in to the tears, and adding a little bit of humor on that emotionally exhausting day. 

I couldn't find a pic of Marcus and my Dad together, but
here is a more recent one of the worship team. My Dad
is on the far right with the M&Ms guitar and Marcus is
on the far left in red plaid.

Patriot Guard - Idaho Chapter

Patriot Guard - Idaho Chapter

One of my Dad's passions was riding his Harley. Rain or Snow or Shine, he was riding. It was his daily commuter vehicle (he worked 20 miles from his home). He even won the yearly winter mileage competition at the local Harley dealership every year for the last 5 or so years. (This is where all of the participation Harley owners would drive in weekly during the winter bad weather months to log their mileage.) He and Mom rode all over together. I think that it helped them with their empty nesting. They even rode the 1340 miles round-trip from Boise, ID to visit me in Humboldt when I was living there. 

His other passion was standing up for the issues that he believed in...even if it wasn't popular. He had always been very supportive of the military even though he himself was never able to be in the military. He was known to walk up to anyone in a military uniform and tell them thank you for their service and shake their hand...no matter where they were. Even in the midst of protests when people were up in arms about the war in Afghanistan, he would make a point of thanking them openly. This is what ended up getting him involved with the Patriot Guard organization.

      

In 2005, the Westboro Baptist Church group was protesting at funerals of fallen soldiers that died in the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. The protesters would chant and disrupt the mourners during the funerals. Now, I don't care if you are for or against the war, you do not harass a family in mourning. It is disrespectful and inhuman. The Patriot Guard was formed by bikers that felt that same way. They were upset by the protesters and decided to take action. The group rides would ride to the funerals, and form a barrier between the protesters and the family, blocking out their chants by revving their motorcycle engines or singing patriotic songs. The group has gathered support and grown by leaps and bounds across the country since 2005. There are chapters of the PGR in almost every state and are not limited solely to bikers. Anyone who shares their belief is encouraged to join their efforts. The PGR has expanded so they not only show up at the funerals, but also accompanying fallen soldiers' bodies from the airports when they arrive back in the US, meet current active (living) soldiers when they return for leave and meet regiments at their bases when they arrive home from missions. They provide an unwavering show of support to our military personnel.

My Dad joined the Idaho Chapter several years ago and has been a part of every possible PGR mission that he could. Even taking time out from work and riding in inclement weather. He strongly believed in their mission and helped in every way that he could. Often, my Mom would also ride with him to the missions, standing in the flag lines in her leathers with PGR patches right along side my Dad. It is quite the sight to see...30-50 or more big bad bikers and their wives in leathers standing at attention in formation each flying a 3'x5' US flag.

They rode a lot of missions in Idaho, and a few to neighboring states as well. They rode from Boise, ID to Cody, WY accompanying the body of Chance Phelps. This is the Marine that was killed and they made a movie about transporting his body called Taking Chance (Kevin Bacon).
 

Dad, along with 800 PGR bikers, even got to accompany one of the beams from the World Trade Center to a memorial site starting in Seattle! Not all missions were huge and publicized, but they were all just as important to my Dad.

Bikes at the grave side parked in Missing Man formation.
My Dad's bike is the one in the center.

When he passed away, the members of the Idaho PGR wanted to give him the same respect that he had given to so many of the fallen soldiers. My Dad would NOT have agreed with this since he was never military and didn't feel that he deserved the special treatment. But when we brought this fact up to the Senior Ride Captain, he immediately stopped us and said that Dad was one of their brothers and they felt he more than deserved the same honor. The PGR lined two sides of the outside of the church for the funeral, standing at attention, flags flowing for my Dad. As I walked the line of these big scary bikers to thank them, there was not a dry eye among them. They each had nice things to say about him and said they were honored to be there for him. Once the funeral was over, they rode a Missing Man formation in front of the hearse to accompany it to the burial site. (Missing Man formation - 2 riders side by side leading, a single rider in the middle behind the right side rider, then two riders side by side behind the middle rider.)
Ex:    Lead Bikes           X             X

         Center Bike                         X

         Rear Bikes           X             X

Most of the PGR riders had gone ahead of the hearse though, to set up the flag line that Dad's casket would be walked past to his grave site. It was a beautiful and bittersweet scene. I know that even though he wouldn't have felt that he deserved it, he would have been proud.  

Flag line leading to the grave site.

Dad's PGR vest & bandana

Dad's bike w/PGR banner (from the funeral)

Outpouring of love

Outpouring of Love

As news of my Dad's death spread in our community, many of the people that he had impacted in his life came forward wanting to help in any way. How do you answer that, though? Everyone says 'let me know how I can help'. Well, the only thing that I could think was...there is nothing you can do...I just want my Dad back. But I realize that is not a fair answer, everyone just wants to help. But its still a difficult question to answer. So most people just took it upon themselves to organize it on their own.

I have never experienced such an amazing outpouring of love. We had people bringing food to the house constantly. From full meals to staple items to junk food. (That person was our hero! Sometimes you just need the comfort of chips and candy...) People even brought paper goods like plates, cups and even toilet paper. We didn't have to think about anything or request anything. Items just kept pouring in constant. Lucky my Mom has a deep freezer...she was having to freeze so much of it. It was so nice and thoughtful and extremely helpful.

People even brought or sent money and gift cards. I found this a strange thing to do, but quite a few people did this. My former boss even sent a Starbucks gift card with his sympathy card. Don't get me wrong, it was super nice and thoughtful, but still, seems weird. Along those lines, though, the coworkers (roughly 700 people) at my Dad's work of 36 years, MotivePower, rallied together and collected money to help our family with the funeral expenses in the form of a Hardship Fund. The company matched the contributions above 100% so that they were paying the tax for my Mom. This contribution, with the company match ended up being $6,800! It is mind boggling how huge that is! It covered all but $1500 of the funeral costs. I am still in awe of the employees' willingness to help not only from their wallets, but they also brought food to our family, attended the funeral and visited with us at the hospital and our home.

My Mom has continued to receive these types of contributions in the months following. Some sweet anonymous soul has been coming by to shovel her driveway when it snows. She has had people inviting her to go to different events that my Dad would have accompanied her to so that she can go without feeling alone. Different people have been coming by to mow the lawn and help with the yard work (my parents have 3/4 of an acre) when its not covered in snow. One of my parents' friends owns a roofing business of some sort, and has donated his time and materials to fix the leak that recently developed in her roof. While we were there for the funeral, we found out that the bath tub in one of the two bathrooms has been leaking without my parents' knowledge, so another person that owns a flooring business has donated their time and materials to fix the floor. And to top it off, another friend has offered to repaint her whole house once the winter weather subsides.

It is so touching and heartwarming...and also very hard to wrap my mind around sometimes. I am constantly amazed at the show of love from people and it seems that a simple 'Thank you' is never enough.

Perceptions

Perceptions

Our perceptions of the people around us are always skewed by different variables as we have discussed several times in Donald's classes. As I have been reflecting on the time surrounding and after my Dad's death, I have been struck by several instances where my perception of the people that were around affected me and how important it is to be aware of how people perceive you especially in dire situations.

When we were in the hospital those 3 days with my Dad and the doctors kept investigating what had happened to him, we encountered many different staff members...most of whom passed in and out of our life without much impact. I wasn't concerned at all in how they were perceiving me as I was distraught and in my darkest hours. However, there are some people that I remember very clearly due to the way that they projected themselves to my family and me in those difficult days.

Dr. What's-his-name from Palliative Care

Here is a quick run-down on Palliative Care from the hospital where my Dad passed away:

You can read more about it on their website: St. Alphonsus Palliative Care
Now, I'm sure that is what they were striving for when they created this department. However, when the physician from Palliative Care met with us, none of us had a very good reaction to him. First of all, he had long grey hair that was messy and looked gross, a gross soul patch below his lip and his button-up shirt was unbuttoned a few buttons and this massive amount of grey bushy chest hair was flowing out of the opening. Ugh! Now, I'm not for nor against long hair on guys, my Dad and brothers have all had long beautiful hair at one time or another, and it was great, but they kept it clean and neat. I can forgive the soul patch...to each his own. But the grey bushy chest hair flowing out of his unbuttoned collar?? Gross! I felt like it was talking to me instead of him! I know, I know, these things are cosmetic and shouldn't matter, but when you are in a professional position and helping families through difficult times, I kind of feel like you should look professional. Even so, I probably could have overlooked these things if he had at least been helpful and attentive. Once he explained what Palliative Care was, and he explained that we needed to make a decision about how to proceed with my Father's life, he proceeded to push us to discuss it further. My Mom and brother, Tyler and I were feeling overwhelmed as we had just met with Dr. River and gotten the results of the EEG, and my other brother, Ryan and his wife, Katherine had yet to arrive. We were not a complete family, and were not ready to discuss the option of removing life support. My Mom was struggling to explain this to Dr. Chest Hair and he was just being pushy about us discussing it and making a decision. Well, I lost it. I was so irritated that I was shaking and crying (I cry when I'm really pissed). I had to really restrain myself from lashing out at him. It took me two tries of explaining slowly and clearly to this guy that under no circumstances would we be discussing anything until we were all together. Geez, he just wouldn't listen. And to top it off...he answered his cell phone in the middle of our meeting. Yeah...we did not use that joker's services in the end.

Dr. Rivers

Dr. Rivers is my Mom's neurologist. When my Mom was faced with the new diagnosis...changing my Dad's supposed heart attack to an aneurysm, she turned to her own doctor for help. Dr. Rivers has treated my Mom for her Multiple Sclerosis for many years and has gotten to know my parents both very well in that time since my Dad always went to every appointment with my Mom. Dr. Rivers came to my Mom's aid as soon as she could, examining my Dad and ordering EEGs even though he was not technically her patient and she was not assigned to the ICU. When she came to review the EEG and do some final nerve tests, she had to deliver the crushing news that there was no brain activity and that there was nothing that they could do for my sweet Father. Even in my anguish, I could see that this news was tearing her up inside, and that she felt terribly sad and helpless. Maybe she was that way with every patient that she has to deliver bad news, but I like to think that the tears she was shedding and the consoling embrace she was giving to my mother were genuine from losing a friend. At the time, I wasn't able to handle the news and had to leave the room, but I am grateful to her for being there to help my Mom understand what was happening.

EEG Technologist

I think that it must be very difficult to work in the ICU, especially when you know that nothing can be done for the patient. It must be hard to keep in mind that even though the patient is in a coma/unresponsive, they are still a person and are surrounded (hopefully) by their loved ones who are still holding out hope for a recovery. I noticed that some of the nursing staff didn't address my Dad directly when they would come in for vitals or to check the various tubes and machines hooked up to him, but would mostly just stay quiet or only direct communication to us. I will always be appreciative of the tech that came in to do the EEG on my Dad, though. She had to apply all of these electrodes and wires all over my Dad's scalp...I think she said there were over 100 of them. It was a messy and time consuming project that I'm sure she has done thousands of times before this. The biggest thing that I noticed when she was doing this was her extreme gentleness and care in touching my Dad's head and moving him around. She did not address us when she had to lift his head, she addressed him "Sir". She would apologize to him "I'm sorry sir", every time she had to lift up his head or adjust the pillow. And, once the EEG was completed and she knew the results of no brain activity, as I'm sure she had to be able to interpret the data, she had to remove all of those electrodes and clean up the adhesive from him. Never once did she deviate from addressing him in the same way as before she knew that he was no longer in there. Never once did she stop being gentle and sweet as she moved him. I think that it speaks volumes of her character that she continued to treat him as a person when some people might have just taken on the attitude of 'oh well, he's not really there anyway' and not even said anything or been gentle. It touched my heart to see the care with which she treated my Dad, and I will forever appreciate those moments of kindness she showed. I did not catch her name, but some time I plan to send a letter to the hospital expressing my appreciation of her treatment of my Dad.

These are just a few examples of the the impacts that people had on me in the worst time of my life. It makes me think of just how important it is how we project ourselves to others.

Your Words are not Comforting

Your Words are not Comforting

People say the some of the most irritating things when you are grieving. 

I know that most people mean well when they say things to you when you are grieving. I understand that a lot of people are uncomfortable with death, others' emotions, and speaking to other people in general. But didn't anyone else's parents teach them that if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all?? Seems like a simple concept to either say something nice or just keep your mouth shut, right? Well, apparently not. People said some really frustrating and sometimes hurtful things to me following my Dad's death. I'm not entirely sure that they meant well, either. So, as a service to others, here are some guidelines of how to respond to someone that is suffering a loss and how not to respond.

Comforting Words

"I'm (so) sorry for your loss."  This is pretty simple and yet effective. It conveys your sympathy and care for the person, but more importantly, its generic enough to allow the grieving to just say thank you and not have to elaborate or expound on their feelings. I felt that this was a good phrase for people that didn't know what else to say, but needed to say something. I appreciated this one because I could just let it be after acknowledging their sentiment. 

"Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you."   This is a little more invested because you are committing yourself to following through if they take you literally, but you feel good about putting forth the offer. However, I found whenever anyone asked me this question, I had no answer for it. I'm not one to ask for help, so I generally just thanked them and appreciated their offer. Especially if it wasn't one of my close friends or family...they didn't get off as easily. I subject them to listening to me and talking me through it.

Not Comforting Words

"Your loved one is in a better place."  Now, this phrase is tricky. If the person had been fighting a terminal illness, or was in a horrific accident leaving them a vegetable, then yes, I could sort of agree. Though I still feel its not that comforting because you're missing your loved one and don't want to think that they might have wanted to die. In my case, my Dad was healthy and happy and it was just a normal day when he was taken from us suddenly. So, he wasn't suffering pain or fighting an illness. He was happy here with his family and friends. He didn't want to die at 56. So even if you believe in heaven, I don't think that being ripped away from your family too early is a better place. I suggest that this phrase is best left unsaid. 

"I hope they are in a better place."   This is the same as the one above, but more offensive. To me, it suggests that they feel that maybe your loved one isn't in a better place. Ugh...it just feels awkward. 

"They are watching over you/looking down on you from heaven."   Now, I know this is meant to be comforting, like they are always with you, but to me, it puts too much pressure on me. It makes me feel like everyone that has passed on before me is watching my every move. Its creepy and weird. Makes me self conscious of my decisions and actions. Like I'm constantly being judged. 

"Life goes on."   Yes, I realize that life goes on, but this phrase just makes me feel like my feelings and grief are not important. Like I should be over the loss already. That is just not how grieving works...at least not for me. 

My personal favorite:

"He's watching over you from heaven, so you need to make better choices with your life now."   Wow. My cousin actually said this to me half an hour after my Dad died. I was floored. If I hadn't been reeling from my Dad's passing and wanting to be alone, I would have probably had my wits about me and been able to respond in a way to shut her down and make her see that this was highly inappropriate. Way to cast your own judgments of my life on me in my darkest hour. This not only wasn't comforting, it also made me feel extremely judged and question my life. It is a bullshit thing to say to someone, and I can't find any way to look at it that would make it comforting at all. No one should ever judge the decisions that you make in life...its your life. 

What I learned

So, having had all of the above phrases (and variations of those phrases) said to me in the last couple months and reflecting on the feelings I had from them, I feel that I can confidently advise people to think about what they are saying before they say it. Stop and consider how you would feel if you had just lost one of the most important people in your life and someone said one of the above things to you. Its good advice for any situation...think before you speak.

Though, I think the some concessions can be made for children:

Though some nailed it: