Perceptions

Perceptions

Our perceptions of the people around us are always skewed by different variables as we have discussed several times in Donald's classes. As I have been reflecting on the time surrounding and after my Dad's death, I have been struck by several instances where my perception of the people that were around affected me and how important it is to be aware of how people perceive you especially in dire situations.

When we were in the hospital those 3 days with my Dad and the doctors kept investigating what had happened to him, we encountered many different staff members...most of whom passed in and out of our life without much impact. I wasn't concerned at all in how they were perceiving me as I was distraught and in my darkest hours. However, there are some people that I remember very clearly due to the way that they projected themselves to my family and me in those difficult days.

Dr. What's-his-name from Palliative Care

Here is a quick run-down on Palliative Care from the hospital where my Dad passed away:

You can read more about it on their website: St. Alphonsus Palliative Care
Now, I'm sure that is what they were striving for when they created this department. However, when the physician from Palliative Care met with us, none of us had a very good reaction to him. First of all, he had long grey hair that was messy and looked gross, a gross soul patch below his lip and his button-up shirt was unbuttoned a few buttons and this massive amount of grey bushy chest hair was flowing out of the opening. Ugh! Now, I'm not for nor against long hair on guys, my Dad and brothers have all had long beautiful hair at one time or another, and it was great, but they kept it clean and neat. I can forgive the soul patch...to each his own. But the grey bushy chest hair flowing out of his unbuttoned collar?? Gross! I felt like it was talking to me instead of him! I know, I know, these things are cosmetic and shouldn't matter, but when you are in a professional position and helping families through difficult times, I kind of feel like you should look professional. Even so, I probably could have overlooked these things if he had at least been helpful and attentive. Once he explained what Palliative Care was, and he explained that we needed to make a decision about how to proceed with my Father's life, he proceeded to push us to discuss it further. My Mom and brother, Tyler and I were feeling overwhelmed as we had just met with Dr. River and gotten the results of the EEG, and my other brother, Ryan and his wife, Katherine had yet to arrive. We were not a complete family, and were not ready to discuss the option of removing life support. My Mom was struggling to explain this to Dr. Chest Hair and he was just being pushy about us discussing it and making a decision. Well, I lost it. I was so irritated that I was shaking and crying (I cry when I'm really pissed). I had to really restrain myself from lashing out at him. It took me two tries of explaining slowly and clearly to this guy that under no circumstances would we be discussing anything until we were all together. Geez, he just wouldn't listen. And to top it off...he answered his cell phone in the middle of our meeting. Yeah...we did not use that joker's services in the end.

Dr. Rivers

Dr. Rivers is my Mom's neurologist. When my Mom was faced with the new diagnosis...changing my Dad's supposed heart attack to an aneurysm, she turned to her own doctor for help. Dr. Rivers has treated my Mom for her Multiple Sclerosis for many years and has gotten to know my parents both very well in that time since my Dad always went to every appointment with my Mom. Dr. Rivers came to my Mom's aid as soon as she could, examining my Dad and ordering EEGs even though he was not technically her patient and she was not assigned to the ICU. When she came to review the EEG and do some final nerve tests, she had to deliver the crushing news that there was no brain activity and that there was nothing that they could do for my sweet Father. Even in my anguish, I could see that this news was tearing her up inside, and that she felt terribly sad and helpless. Maybe she was that way with every patient that she has to deliver bad news, but I like to think that the tears she was shedding and the consoling embrace she was giving to my mother were genuine from losing a friend. At the time, I wasn't able to handle the news and had to leave the room, but I am grateful to her for being there to help my Mom understand what was happening.

EEG Technologist

I think that it must be very difficult to work in the ICU, especially when you know that nothing can be done for the patient. It must be hard to keep in mind that even though the patient is in a coma/unresponsive, they are still a person and are surrounded (hopefully) by their loved ones who are still holding out hope for a recovery. I noticed that some of the nursing staff didn't address my Dad directly when they would come in for vitals or to check the various tubes and machines hooked up to him, but would mostly just stay quiet or only direct communication to us. I will always be appreciative of the tech that came in to do the EEG on my Dad, though. She had to apply all of these electrodes and wires all over my Dad's scalp...I think she said there were over 100 of them. It was a messy and time consuming project that I'm sure she has done thousands of times before this. The biggest thing that I noticed when she was doing this was her extreme gentleness and care in touching my Dad's head and moving him around. She did not address us when she had to lift his head, she addressed him "Sir". She would apologize to him "I'm sorry sir", every time she had to lift up his head or adjust the pillow. And, once the EEG was completed and she knew the results of no brain activity, as I'm sure she had to be able to interpret the data, she had to remove all of those electrodes and clean up the adhesive from him. Never once did she deviate from addressing him in the same way as before she knew that he was no longer in there. Never once did she stop being gentle and sweet as she moved him. I think that it speaks volumes of her character that she continued to treat him as a person when some people might have just taken on the attitude of 'oh well, he's not really there anyway' and not even said anything or been gentle. It touched my heart to see the care with which she treated my Dad, and I will forever appreciate those moments of kindness she showed. I did not catch her name, but some time I plan to send a letter to the hospital expressing my appreciation of her treatment of my Dad.

These are just a few examples of the the impacts that people had on me in the worst time of my life. It makes me think of just how important it is how we project ourselves to others.