Your Words are not Comforting

Your Words are not Comforting

People say the some of the most irritating things when you are grieving. 

I know that most people mean well when they say things to you when you are grieving. I understand that a lot of people are uncomfortable with death, others' emotions, and speaking to other people in general. But didn't anyone else's parents teach them that if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all?? Seems like a simple concept to either say something nice or just keep your mouth shut, right? Well, apparently not. People said some really frustrating and sometimes hurtful things to me following my Dad's death. I'm not entirely sure that they meant well, either. So, as a service to others, here are some guidelines of how to respond to someone that is suffering a loss and how not to respond.

Comforting Words

"I'm (so) sorry for your loss."  This is pretty simple and yet effective. It conveys your sympathy and care for the person, but more importantly, its generic enough to allow the grieving to just say thank you and not have to elaborate or expound on their feelings. I felt that this was a good phrase for people that didn't know what else to say, but needed to say something. I appreciated this one because I could just let it be after acknowledging their sentiment. 

"Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you."   This is a little more invested because you are committing yourself to following through if they take you literally, but you feel good about putting forth the offer. However, I found whenever anyone asked me this question, I had no answer for it. I'm not one to ask for help, so I generally just thanked them and appreciated their offer. Especially if it wasn't one of my close friends or family...they didn't get off as easily. I subject them to listening to me and talking me through it.

Not Comforting Words

"Your loved one is in a better place."  Now, this phrase is tricky. If the person had been fighting a terminal illness, or was in a horrific accident leaving them a vegetable, then yes, I could sort of agree. Though I still feel its not that comforting because you're missing your loved one and don't want to think that they might have wanted to die. In my case, my Dad was healthy and happy and it was just a normal day when he was taken from us suddenly. So, he wasn't suffering pain or fighting an illness. He was happy here with his family and friends. He didn't want to die at 56. So even if you believe in heaven, I don't think that being ripped away from your family too early is a better place. I suggest that this phrase is best left unsaid. 

"I hope they are in a better place."   This is the same as the one above, but more offensive. To me, it suggests that they feel that maybe your loved one isn't in a better place. Ugh...it just feels awkward. 

"They are watching over you/looking down on you from heaven."   Now, I know this is meant to be comforting, like they are always with you, but to me, it puts too much pressure on me. It makes me feel like everyone that has passed on before me is watching my every move. Its creepy and weird. Makes me self conscious of my decisions and actions. Like I'm constantly being judged. 

"Life goes on."   Yes, I realize that life goes on, but this phrase just makes me feel like my feelings and grief are not important. Like I should be over the loss already. That is just not how grieving works...at least not for me. 

My personal favorite:

"He's watching over you from heaven, so you need to make better choices with your life now."   Wow. My cousin actually said this to me half an hour after my Dad died. I was floored. If I hadn't been reeling from my Dad's passing and wanting to be alone, I would have probably had my wits about me and been able to respond in a way to shut her down and make her see that this was highly inappropriate. Way to cast your own judgments of my life on me in my darkest hour. This not only wasn't comforting, it also made me feel extremely judged and question my life. It is a bullshit thing to say to someone, and I can't find any way to look at it that would make it comforting at all. No one should ever judge the decisions that you make in life...its your life. 

What I learned

So, having had all of the above phrases (and variations of those phrases) said to me in the last couple months and reflecting on the feelings I had from them, I feel that I can confidently advise people to think about what they are saying before they say it. Stop and consider how you would feel if you had just lost one of the most important people in your life and someone said one of the above things to you. Its good advice for any situation...think before you speak.

Though, I think the some concessions can be made for children:

Though some nailed it: