Be Prepared
The Aftermath
My Dad's death was sudden and unexpected. My family was blindsided by it and it is a nightmare that we can't seem to shake. Nothing can truly prepare you for a loss, but even more so a sudden and unexplained loss. We were left with so many questions along with the heartache. He was healthy and young and full of life. He was getting ready for work just like any other day when he had his aneurysm. It just doesn't make sense. I never thought this would happen to our family...to my Dad. He was so strong and vibrant...always there when someone needed him. How can he just be gone? What do we do now? How can we go on without him?
We weren't prepared for this loss, and especially weren't prepared with how to deal with everything. I never realized all of the things that have to be dealt with after a person dies. All we wanted to do was to stop and absorb what had happened. To feel the pain and be able to comfort each other. But there is no time for that. Everything moves so quickly when someone dies. Its insane! People kept telling us to take time to feel the loss and grieve, but we had no time. We were under constant pressure to wrap up a life that ended too early at 56 years in a mere few days. What is the damn hurry? If we rush to get everything done and plan the best possible funeral and wrap things up so nicely, will it bring back my Dad?? No. Nothing will fix it. Nothing will make it better. But, alas, that doesn't matter. Life goes on and the powers that dictate the flow of our society demand that we deal with the loss as soon as possible.
The hospital...though most of the staff was friendly and helpful...was rushing us to make a decision to remove life support. Then only 30 minutes after Dad passed, they were pushing us to wrap up our goodbyes so they could take his body to the morgue. They need the room. Gotcha. So the 6 other rooms in the ICU that are empty can't be used? Really? You need this particular room. Fine. So we vacated the hospital room so they could cover my sweet father and move him to that scary place in the basement where he will be all alone. Awesome. I realize we are not the only family grieving and struggling, but I don't care. We are the only family that I'm worried about now.
But this is no time for sorrow and grieving. We have to make funeral arrangements. Now. The hospital needs to move the body. Have we arranged for a funeral home yet? The organ donation people need to get the ball rolling on skin donation. Can we answer a half an hour's worth of invasive questions right now? The funeral home needs the hospital to release his body. Can we get it together and talk to the organ donation people so that they will do their procedure and release him? And the funeral home....man, they want decisions to be made left and right. Burial or Cremation? Open or closed casket? What type of casket? (Did you know that the casket doesn't just go in the ground?? It has to go inside a vault in the ground. And they are both expensive and decorative! Why??) Where do you want the service held? How many people do you expect? Who are the pall bearers? Have you picked out flowers? Have you chosen a cemetery? Ugh. The endless questions. Luckily, the funeral home we picked was a family run place and they were extremely understanding and compassionate. I can never thank them enough for their guidance and assistance with all of the arrangements. Anything we could possibly need, they were on top of it.
Then we were faced with the question: do we want to donate his organs? If so, which ones? He wasn't registered as an organ donor...how do you make that decision for him? We had to really listen and ask questions to make that decision. Ultimately, we couldn't agree to the internal organ donation (research the process for that online sometime. Your loved one is still alive when they harvest the organs. We just couldn't get on board for that one.) so we decided to donate his skin. This is not invasive, and can be done after he passed. Plus, you would not see the collection site since it would all be hidden underneath his burial shirt. Seemed like a good compromise and still several people's lives would be helped. My Dad was a very giving man, never hesitating to help anyone. So I feel confident he would have approved of this decision.
Everything moves so fast after someone dies. You have to make all these decisions...and you get overwhelmed quickly...not to mention the the world crushing grief. My family is very fortunate that we are so close and that we have so many great friends and family that came to our assistance. We would have never been able to get through that horrible ordeal without each other and the support of our friends and family. I would like three things to be taken away from my experience by anyone who reads this:
1 - Always keep your family and friends close. Don't take their love and support for granted, it is a gift that you can never fully appreciate until you go through a trauma. Tell them you love them often and revel in your times together. I have a new appreciation for my family and friends after all of this. I would not have made it through without them.
2 - Talk to your loved ones about your final wishes. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out conversation. In fact, it you could just write down your final instructions and discuss with them briefly how you want them followed. I know that it is scary and painful to think about your own death, but you will save your family a lot of guesswork in an extremely difficult time. I'm not faulting my Dad in anyway...I don't want to think or talk about my own death, but we would have had a lot less uncertainty if we would have known his wishes.
3 - Allow yourself to grieve and feel the pain of the loss. I struggle with this so much still...granted, its only been 3 months. Death is a major thing and should not be played off lightly. Cut yourself some slack. Absorb the comforting words people say...and let the crappy insensitive things that others say roll off your back.
The hospital...though most of the staff was friendly and helpful...was rushing us to make a decision to remove life support. Then only 30 minutes after Dad passed, they were pushing us to wrap up our goodbyes so they could take his body to the morgue. They need the room. Gotcha. So the 6 other rooms in the ICU that are empty can't be used? Really? You need this particular room. Fine. So we vacated the hospital room so they could cover my sweet father and move him to that scary place in the basement where he will be all alone. Awesome. I realize we are not the only family grieving and struggling, but I don't care. We are the only family that I'm worried about now.
But this is no time for sorrow and grieving. We have to make funeral arrangements. Now. The hospital needs to move the body. Have we arranged for a funeral home yet? The organ donation people need to get the ball rolling on skin donation. Can we answer a half an hour's worth of invasive questions right now? The funeral home needs the hospital to release his body. Can we get it together and talk to the organ donation people so that they will do their procedure and release him? And the funeral home....man, they want decisions to be made left and right. Burial or Cremation? Open or closed casket? What type of casket? (Did you know that the casket doesn't just go in the ground?? It has to go inside a vault in the ground. And they are both expensive and decorative! Why??) Where do you want the service held? How many people do you expect? Who are the pall bearers? Have you picked out flowers? Have you chosen a cemetery? Ugh. The endless questions. Luckily, the funeral home we picked was a family run place and they were extremely understanding and compassionate. I can never thank them enough for their guidance and assistance with all of the arrangements. Anything we could possibly need, they were on top of it.
What I Learned
After having gone through this nightmare, I have learned a lot. The biggest thing that I can tell people...make sure that you discuss your final wishes with your loved ones. I know that is painful and no one wants to think about it, but it is a necessary evil. My parents (and us kids as well) never wanted to talk about dying and what arrangements and decisions needed to be made. We didn't want to dwell on death, but instead enjoy life. There isn't anything wrong with that. However, in the shock of my Dad's quick passing, we were forced to make hard decisions that we had never had to think about before. We didn't know what he would have wanted when we made the decision to remove life support. We were confident that we made the right decision and that he would have agreed.But how can we ever know for sure since we didn't ever talk about it?Then we were faced with the question: do we want to donate his organs? If so, which ones? He wasn't registered as an organ donor...how do you make that decision for him? We had to really listen and ask questions to make that decision. Ultimately, we couldn't agree to the internal organ donation (research the process for that online sometime. Your loved one is still alive when they harvest the organs. We just couldn't get on board for that one.) so we decided to donate his skin. This is not invasive, and can be done after he passed. Plus, you would not see the collection site since it would all be hidden underneath his burial shirt. Seemed like a good compromise and still several people's lives would be helped. My Dad was a very giving man, never hesitating to help anyone. So I feel confident he would have approved of this decision.
Everything moves so fast after someone dies. You have to make all these decisions...and you get overwhelmed quickly...not to mention the the world crushing grief. My family is very fortunate that we are so close and that we have so many great friends and family that came to our assistance. We would have never been able to get through that horrible ordeal without each other and the support of our friends and family. I would like three things to be taken away from my experience by anyone who reads this:
1 - Always keep your family and friends close. Don't take their love and support for granted, it is a gift that you can never fully appreciate until you go through a trauma. Tell them you love them often and revel in your times together. I have a new appreciation for my family and friends after all of this. I would not have made it through without them.
2 - Talk to your loved ones about your final wishes. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out conversation. In fact, it you could just write down your final instructions and discuss with them briefly how you want them followed. I know that it is scary and painful to think about your own death, but you will save your family a lot of guesswork in an extremely difficult time. I'm not faulting my Dad in anyway...I don't want to think or talk about my own death, but we would have had a lot less uncertainty if we would have known his wishes.
3 - Allow yourself to grieve and feel the pain of the loss. I struggle with this so much still...granted, its only been 3 months. Death is a major thing and should not be played off lightly. Cut yourself some slack. Absorb the comforting words people say...and let the crappy insensitive things that others say roll off your back.
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