Family
Before my Dad passed away in October, I was always appreciative of my family...I just didn't show it all the time. I know that they all know how much I love them, and that they are the most important thing to me. But I got busy, as we all do, living and got wrapped up in my day to day life. Way too much time would pass between phone calls and visits. Being spread across the country is so difficult...especially for a family that is as close as mine. My brothers and sister are my closest friends as well as family. And my parents were my constant rock, my confidants, my measure for life. So to say that my Dad's death has been traumatic and devastating to us is an understatement. I still can't wrap my mind around it, can't deal with it. If I think to much about the reality of his passing and that I can't do anything to change it, I get panicked and have an anxiety attack followed by many tears. So I just push it away and pretend it didn't happen. I was super torn on Christmas this year...our first without Dad...due to this issue. I was so happy that my siblings and Mom were able to come and we could actually manage to have fun, but we were all so devastated by the loss that it felt wrong to have a good time. I know that my Dad would want it that way, but it doesn't change that feeling.
I know, however, that if we weren't as close as we are, we would never have made it through. We were solid and made decisions with conviction and little to no disagreement. My sister is a nurse, and has watched families go through similar situations and has seen them argue and fight...resulting in dragging out the loved one's suffering due to their own selfishness. I am more proud than ever to be a part of my family.
I know, however, that if we weren't as close as we are, we would never have made it through. We were solid and made decisions with conviction and little to no disagreement. My sister is a nurse, and has watched families go through similar situations and has seen them argue and fight...resulting in dragging out the loved one's suffering due to their own selfishness. I am more proud than ever to be a part of my family.
Mom
Someway, somehow, my Mother was (is) a rock through all of this. Her sweetheart...her husband of the majority of her life, 36 years was just ripped without any warning from her life. The night before had been just like any other night and he was getting ready for work just like any other morning. And then, in less than an hour, her life was flipped completely upside down and backwards. I can't imagine how she kept so calm and had such strength and clarity of mind to get him dressed and to the hospital so quickly. I imagine its that spectacular Mom-gene that she has. Even when we tested her to her very limits as teenagers, she still was patient and loving and firm with us.
Through the whole time in the hospital, I rarely saw her cry...only if she was alone (or if I pushed her to let it out) did she allow herself to let it out. She was in constant vigilance at Dad's bedside, only leaving if she absolutely had to leave it. She 'slept' each of the 2 or so nights in a chair next to his bed holding his hand in hers. Though, I'm sure that she didn't really get much sleeping in worrying. And yet, she was the one comforting others...she was the one holding me while I wept. I felt so weak. I should have been holding her and being strong for her.
She is probably the strongest woman that I know, and it took me 31 years to fully realize that fact. I know that she is struggling daily with this tragedy and that she often feels lost and alone. She and my Dad HATED empty nesting, and now she is doing it alone. I think that is part of why they were so involved with the Patriot Guard, the orchestra for Music Theatre of Idaho, and their church Nampa 1st Church. They were always out and about when I would call. I am worried constantly about her now. She and Dad did everything together. Whenever she talks about this, she mentions what they would have been doing. Like their Thursday night Taco Time dates, or their Saturday rides to the Harley dealership to get hot dogs. Their Saturday night double feature movie nights at the $1 theatre. Or their usually monthly rendezvous to the Anniversary Inn.
Mom keeps mentioning things like how she will no longer be going to events with the Patriot Guard because she feels silly going when she doesn't ride. (An opinion that the group itself does not share.) Though she doesn't feel comfortable operating the bike herself, she was a trouper riding with my Dad everywhere. They would even take longer trips together on it...1340 miles round-trip to Humboldt to see me, 1360 miles round-trip to Cody, WY with the Patriot Guard, 600 miles round-trip to the original Anniversary Inn in Logan, UT. Not to mention the countless miles the drove almost every weekend just for fun. I know she is missing the rides, and I don't know what to do to help.
Her friends have kept her occupied somewhat and have been getting her out of the house. And each of us kids (last I checked) were trying to be better about calling more frequently. And she is journalling and trying to get back into a routine. But I worry about her constantly, and it stresses me out that I am so far from her. Even though its only an hour and a half plane ride, its expensive to travel. I really need my mommy though...I'm really missing her. I tried to keep her when she came at Christmas, but it didn't work. She is so giving and loving and I feel like I can never show her enough appreciation for being my mom. Even in the midst of this terrible time, she still thought of the most thoughtful though heart wrenching Christmas gift for each of her kids....teddy bears made from Dad's Hawaiian shirts that we each identified as our favorites. I couldn't even get myself together enough to buy gifts for anyone this year. How amazing is my Mom?
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